If our love's insanity why are you my clarity?
by CayCullen
Summary: Kurt is finally admitting that he still loves Blaine...to bad it's only to himself. He can't tell anyone. They wouldn't understand why he couldn't be with Blaine. Only Kurt can understand why they can't be together. Only Kurt can understand why he can't love Blaine Anderson. He does love him...but he can't.


**AN**: Hm, I haven't wrote for the Klaine fandom in a while. It's about time I do that again. This isn't going to be my best fic. It's going to be a short one shot but just had to write it. I've had a pretty bad day today. Boy trouble. I won't go into to much detail but I had this sucky realization that I was still in love with this boy I thought I was over. And me and this boy, our relationship has really been a lot like Blaine and Kurt's. The only thing that is different between us, is that I was never with this boy and, I'm not a boy. I'm a straight girl haha! But still, after Kurt and Blaine split up, I sort of understood the pain Kurt felt. I have gone through it. Well, the guy I love never cheated on me, we were never together, but still, I finally saw he liked another girl and it just about crushed me. I thought I'd try to express how Kurt must feel. I connect to Kurt a lot so yeah, let's hope this doesn't suck too bad.

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_You know what's really bad? The stupid delusion my own mind gave me. Damn my mind. It's done so many thing to betray me._

_I was 100% convinced I was over Blaine. I really was._

_After months of not being with him, after months of just being his friend (and sometimes his friend with benefits), I thought all the emotions there were gone. I thought there wasn't anything left for me there. I thought I had moved on with Adam._

_Amazing, sweet, british, sexy Adam who is good to me. I don't know. Somewhere along the way I started to realize that I didn't like Adam. Not the way I liked Blaine, not even the way I liked Finn when I was freshmen. I just didn't like him. Period. End of story. I liked him as my friend. That was all._

_After I had this terrifying realization, I started to try to make myself like other guys I knew. I would look at them, note how good looking and how nice they were and…nothing. There was nothing. I couldn't make myself like anyone anymore. It physically wasn't possible. It was like my heart wouldn't let me._

_So here I was, in New York, with Adam whom I don't' have feelings for. This started to make me ponder who I did have feelings for. I tried my damnest to keep my mind from wondering back to those puppy dog eyes in Lima. And it worked for a little while. I didn't think of Blaine at all. I was over Blaine. Blaine was my best friend. Nothing more._

_I suppose it all went downhill at regionals._

_I think distance is what made me think I was over Blaine. I kept my distance. I didn't think about him. I didn't see him. The only real contact I had with him was texting and that doesn't really count._

_When I came back to Lima, I honestly didn't expect to feel this way._

_At first, it was nothing. Blaine tried to flirt with me (as he always does), usually I can ignore it, but this time I didn't. I felt that little pang in my heart as it started to beat a little faster. At this point I tried to brush that off. Say it was me just me being sentimental. I was worrying about my dad and maybe since Blaine was so used to comforting me, my body was just reacting to him in the way it was used to._

_I didn't think I still loved him. That thought never even crossed my mind._

_But as time went on, after each day I was starting to love him again. I didn't realize until after New Directions won regionals and I was standing next to him. I just looked over at him and it was like he was my word again. I loved that smile he had on. I loved his bowtie. I loved him. I loved him more than anyone or anything in the word._

_It didn't scare me at first. It actually amused me. I was in love with Blaine again. Freaking fantastic. _

_...I have a dark sense of humor. _

_It wasn't until I went home and laid down in my old bed that I realized how important this was. I started to feel scared. My heart starting beating rapidly. I wanted to talk to someone about this but I couldn't because everyone and their grandmother would just tell me to go be with Blaine again._

_They don't understand. They can't understand. It's not that easy. I may have forgiven him but that doesn't mean the emotional scar he gave me still isn't there._

_Alright, I'm going to try to tell you why I can't be in love with Blaine anymore. I'm not saying I'm not. I am in love with him, and it sucks but I'll tell you why I can't be._

_Picture the person you love, picture being with them , picture having some of the best moments of your life with them._

_It's amazing isn't? It makes you feel so happy, alive and you get those stupid butterflies no matter how long you've known them._

_Picture kissing them, picturing being silly together, picture just being happy. Nothing but true happiness..._

_Now, picture the person you love, with someone else._

_See? Already feeling the ache aren't you? The gut reaching ache in your chest and stomach._

_It gets worse; now picture the person you love just looking at the other person. He or she is looking at them in the way you could only dream of being looked at._

_It crushes you. It makes you want to crumble to the floor and rip out your own heart just to make the pain stop._

_You think it can't get worse? Wrong. So terribly wrong._

_Now picture them in bed together. Picture the person you love being pleasured by someone you don't know._

_You feel sick. You feel as if your life as you know it has been rewritten in a matter of seconds. Everything you know was a lie. All that love. All that happiness is threw away._

_It makes you want to die. It makes you want to curl up in a ball and listen to sad songs until the pain goes away but it doesn't. You feel like it never will._

_At this point you ask yourself, 'What do I do now?'_

_I asked myself this countless time. Do I forgive Blaine and go back to just being happy?_

_No. I couldn't. I couldn't feel happy again, not after what he did to me… The only thing left to do was break up with him._

_I hated it. I hated it more than anything because I could tell he had feelings for me, but I didn't care anymore. It was obvious he didn't love me anymore. If he loved me he wouldn't' have slept with another person._

_That was it. I broke up with Blaine and I kept my distance. I didn't speak to anyone for a while after that. It's hard to explain what kind of pain I'm going through. Besides, I don't' like to talk about my feelings. Their **mine** and I prefer not to share them with anyone but myself._

_For a while, I spent nights in bed crying. And I sure as hell wasn't helping myself as I listened to all of our songs._

_But as days passed, as I distracted myself with work, school and everything else, I found the pain slowly started to go away. I was happy again. I could be happy without Blaine…_

_The reason I can't love him again is because I never want to experience that low again. That aching feeling in my chest. I never want to feel that again and how am I supposed to trust Blaine not to cheat on me again? I can't. _

_I can't love him. I shouldn't. I do but I shouldn't. It's stupid. _

_But here I was, in Lima, spending more and more time with him. _

_I'm screwed. The more time I spend with him, the more I'll fall in love with him. _

_Maybe I should go. Maybe I should just go back to New York and avoid Blaine for a while…no. I can't. That will only make the feelings subside for a while. _

_God, Blaine just had to go and be stupid and look amazing. He had to smile at me that way that makes me blush. He had to just do something and make me think he's cute again. He just had to go and do that. He just had to go and make me start loving him again. _

_I hate when I feel like this. I hate when he says something that reminds me that he still loves me. _

_Maybe I'll be okay again once I leave. Once I don't see him every day, maybe I'll be over him again…but is this how it's going to be every time? If I'm around him for longer than idea I'll just fall in love with him all over again? _

_...That proves I'm not over him._

_I should be. We're not soul mates anymore. Soul mates don't hurt each other the way we have. _

_You know what's even worse? No matter how much I hate it, I love him. I have never felt this happy in a long time. I can't remember smiling so much. I can't remember the last time I felt this comfortable. He's my other half. I love him. But I can't be with him. That'd be the stupidest thing in the world. _

_I wish I didn't need him. I had gone so long without needing him. But now I worry about leaving him again. It makes my heart ache. I love him. _  
_I love Blaine Anderson and I know it's stupid. _

_I'm going to be smart though. I'll keep it quiet. Maybe if I avoid my feelings for long enough they'll go away._

_They **have** to go away._

_It's insane for me to be in love with him again…_

_But if loving him is insanity, why do I feel like he's my only clarity?_

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**AN**: Yeah, this fic is sort of Kurt just thinking. I've been thinking a lot and some of the things Kurt talks about is how I feel. I just had to get it out, you know? I would have went crazy if I didn't. Hopefully some of you can relate to this. Okay. I'm done now. Thanks for reading! :) Could you guys maybe cheer me up with some reviews? That'd make me feel a lot better.


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